I'm going to jail i love you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
