remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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