she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
