Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
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