it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
