birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
