You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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