so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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