Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
