I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
