Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
