Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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