did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
