and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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