she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
