saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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