I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
should my penis look like a turkey
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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