I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
