Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
