is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
