I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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