she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
