Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
