mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
