coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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