my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
