Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
