i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
