I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
