I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
