Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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