My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
