If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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