Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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