I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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