I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
