once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
