Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
