Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
