pop tarts are not kleenex
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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