The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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