Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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