im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
