Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
