walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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