I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
