I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
