So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
And then he peed in my hair
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
