I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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