I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was like eating out sand paper
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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